In My Place

Here i am, 12 days later and i think i found my mind, it's in place, it's where it should be, at least for the time being. after a well deserved vacation with the jani, i am finally home, free of troubles, free of mind, free of matters, and looking well forward to getting back into business, Canada mainly. i could say that i had completely forgotten that in 6 months i'm going to be in another country, far north from home, but in order to get there i need to take care of several different things: loans, permits, visas, housing, loads to do in what i considered a long time, but now looks quite short.

i think that now i am in my place, where i should be, back on track, back to business, i needed to lose my mind to gain it back with confidence, i needed to go on vacation to search for my mind and i found it, and now, i feel it's focused on the main task, getting ready to leave, getting ready to start a new life, getting ready to begin a whole new step in my journey.

so like i said, i just gotta get my mind in check so it can do what has to get done and we're off to vancouver in feb. 07! woohoo.....

laters!

Where is my mind?

my mind... where is it? not here i can assure you that, i don't know where i want it to be actually, it is all so confusing. loads of things to do, not enough time to do 'em, and all the while i want to rest, do absolutely NOTHING. why is it that my mind is somewhere else and i don't know where to find it? should it be here at work?, should it be at home?, should it be with my jani in the valley? (i know that's where she wants it to be), should it be in Vancouver? should it be nowhere or everywhere at the same time?

this is a fucked up world we live in, depending on other people's choices, decisions, ineptitudes to go by your own life. you feel like you have absolutely no control over it. civic duties tell you to vote but then the loser protests and creates inestability in the whole fuckin country, you request a loan but can't even apply for it because someone doesn't want to reply to your emails, your own fuckin local government tells you they'll help you out with your studies but doesn't answer your phone calls afterwards to give you updates. i feel like i'm in a limbo here, i want to do many things, can't do most, don't want to do many others but i can't help but do them, "it's my duty". damn these morals that come and bite you in the ass!

so, where IS my mind? i know it should be here at work right now, i know it should be focused on all my errands, but sad for some, but i think my mind is in Vancouver, just to think of that freedom, independence, to actually do what i love to do for a living, to live my own life with no interference by others in my business, in my doings. it's 6 months away but it looks so damn far. all i want is to GO AWAY! i feel frustrated, i feel stuck in a place where i'm doing what i have to do, not what i WANT to do, and there is no future, no bright light. i knew it was gonna be hard to go through the process of leaving to another country, but didn't think it would be this hard mentally, to have to ask for someone's help after you've never generated interest in them is quite hard, i know i dug myself into that grave, but it's in these situations where you find yourself knowing other people, knowing how they'll react to a request, all i want is help, support, and all i get is pitty help, pitty support, which i will take (don't know how that makes me look, but....), but it brings your ego down sooooo bad. all i want is for everything to be done with so i can go!

so, like it's been for who know since when, i think i lost my mind, and won't be able to get it back til Vancouver. i just need it to focus on the task at hand.

well, this has been an introduction to bto's mind, and since i lost it, you'll be getting the bits and pieces of what's in MY mind at the moment, which is a LOT, cuz, well, i need to vent, badly! hopefully this will help me to get bto's mind back.